A Cat's Guide to Christmas

Some of you may have noticed lately that your home has become the scene of some strange activities involving trees, packages, and lights. This set of human behaviors constitutes one of The Holidays, and this particular Holiday, celebrated by some but not all humans, is called Christmas. 

During Christmas it can almost seem as though humans are trying to think up tempting things to tell us not to do. However, it turns out that that is not in fact the purpose of Christmas--apparently, it's all about peace and joy! So in the true spirit of the season, here is a cat's survival guide to Christmas.

Find the cat!

The Tree. A real or artificial tree may suddenly appear inside your house and get stood on end in some uncluttered spot. This is an alarming procedure, but don't worry, it will soon be over. Once the tree is standing up safely, you may be able to get away with climbing it. This is risky, however, as the whole thing might just tip over. Hiding under the tree is fine, though (see photo at right). The tree may also smell delicious, and you may be tempted to eat some of the needles. Don't bother; they won't stay down long.  

The Ornaments. If your humans set up a tree, they are bound to decorate it with lovely, shiny objects called ornaments. If they are smart, they will put them all high enough to be out of your reach. You are bound to want to play with them, but your humans will be hurt if you knock them off and break them. So it's better for everyone if they just put them higher to start with.

The Lights. Your humans may put up strings of small colored lights, either on the tree or elsewhere around the house. They are pretty and sparkly, and you will want to play with them. But do not attempt to chew the cord. Humans will get very angry if you do so and may resort to coating the cords with an offensive tasting substance that will take you hours to get out of your mouth if you ever taste it.

The Gifts. As the Christmas season progresses, packages will begin arriving at the house. They will get wrapped in colorful paper and placed around the base of the tree. The paper is lovely, and it makes a beautiful rustling sound, but--strangely--the humans do not want your help applying the paper. If you wait until Christmas Morning, which is when they unwrap the paper from the packages, they will give you the paper to play with at that time--if they have a shred of common decency. Also, if any of the packages under the tree smell strongly of catnip or cat treats, feel free to rip the paper off them yourself on Christmas Morning. Those are gifts for you--see, I told you it was about peace and joy!

The Nativity Scene. Somewhere in the house--perhaps on the mantelpiece--you may find a group of small model humans and animals forming a rustic scene. There will be at least two adult humans and one baby. The animals will not include cats, but if you position yourself next to the other animals in the scene you can rectify that omission, although not at a consistent scale. The little figures may be quite cute, so you may be tempted to knock them off the mantel and play with them. Try not to, but whatever you do, DO NOT EAT THE BABY. For some inscrutable reason, humans find that highly offensive.

As you can see, Christmas demands near-nonstop restraint from us cats. Good luck coping, and here's wishing you all some cat treats on the big day!