If you’ve ever had your tail stepped on by a human, who
claimed she just hadn’t seen it, or endured hours of painful high-pitched screeches
that your human claimed was “music,” you may have been tempted to conclude, as some
cats I know have, that all humans are psychopaths who really don’t care how you
feel or what they do to you.
The problem with this theory is that it doesn’t square with
so many other things they do, like feeding you, scratching you behind the ears,
and bringing home catnip.
After considerable research and first-hand observation, I
have concluded that the main problem with most humans is simply that their
senses differ so markedly from ours. They just don’t experience the world the
way we do, and so they do a lot of things that we easily interpret as callous
or hostile.
In the interests of better interspecies understanding, I offer
the following summary of human senses.
Eyesight. Humans have terrible eyesight. The minute
it gets just a little bit dark, their sight starts to fail. I’ve even heard them
say that in the dark, all cats are gray. Can you believe it? That’s how bad
their eyes are! Granted, in good light they can see things pretty well—even at
some considerable distance—but keep out from under their feet in the dark!
Their pupils are not as flexible as ours, and they don’t have a tapetum lucidum
to make the most of a small amount of light. On the other hand, their color perception is actually
pretty good—so long as it is bright day. This might help explain the fixation
some of them have on what they call “art.”
Hearing. Humans have a truly pathetic sense of
hearing. It cuts out at quite a low frequency, and they are very poor at
locating something by sound. If you’ve ever been stuck somewhere and it took
them forever to figure out where your sad little mews were coming from, this is
why. And if they have ever subjected you to the grating squeal of a piccolo, oboe
or violin, they probably didn’t mean to hurt you. They just can’t hear it as
well as you can. If you think this could happen to you, you might want to nudge their
browser or catalog page to display cellos and bassoons instead.
Smell. Once again, humans are utterly dismal at this.
They think pretty well of their abilities when they start complaining that
their teenager hasn’t scooped the litter box yet, but honestly, that’s about
all they can smell. This explains some otherwise pretty offensive behavior,
such as buying us perfumed litter, or wearing strong perfumes themselves. They
honestly can’t tell what that stuff smells like! It’s also another reason why
they don’t know where you are if it’s dark. They can’t smell you! And they
certainly can’t tell the difference between you and your housemate by smell,
although we can easily identify each one of the resident humans by smell.
Touch. Here’s one where humans do have some
sensitivity. Although they are notoriously lacking in the whiskers department
(no, beards on human males are not the same thing), their skin is actually quite
sensitive. A considerate cat will therefore always keep her claws in when
touching human skin.
Taste. Taste is where humans rule. They can taste a
wide range of flavors, which explains their interest in such a wide variety of
foods. There’s a flavor that they call “sweet,” which acts on them almost like
catnip does on us. They will do a lot to get more of that taste. Sweet
interacts with various aromatic compounds to make fruits, and even some
vegetables, very attractive to them. If you’ve ever enjoyed the smell of a ripe
strawberry, it’s like that for them too, but much more so because of this
factor called “sweet.” For all that, they also appreciate a good portion of
meat, as we do. In general, it pays to be somewhat tolerant of your human's interest in taste, given that they are so lacking in other senses.
Taking your human for what he is—a human, having only a human's outfit of senses, and not a cat—will make cohabitation easier and help to dispel the myth of ubiquitous
psychopathy in humans. You may even begin to notice the times when they make a special effort to be considerate of you.
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| Look at all those sensory organs! |
