Human senses

If you’ve ever had your tail stepped on by a human, who claimed she just hadn’t seen it, or endured hours of painful high-pitched screeches that your human claimed was “music,” you may have been tempted to conclude, as some cats I know have, that all humans are psychopaths who really don’t care how you feel or what they do to you.

The problem with this theory is that it doesn’t square with so many other things they do, like feeding you, scratching you behind the ears, and bringing home catnip.

After considerable research and first-hand observation, I have concluded that the main problem with most humans is simply that their senses differ so markedly from ours. They just don’t experience the world the way we do, and so they do a lot of things that we easily interpret as callous or hostile.

In the interests of better interspecies understanding, I offer the following summary of human senses.

Eyesight. Humans have terrible eyesight. The minute it gets just a little bit dark, their sight starts to fail. I’ve even heard them say that in the dark, all cats are gray. Can you believe it? That’s how bad their eyes are! Granted, in good light they can see things pretty well—even at some considerable distance—but keep out from under their feet in the dark! Their pupils are not as flexible as ours, and they don’t have a tapetum lucidum to make the most of a small amount of light. On the other hand, their color perception is actually pretty good—so long as it is bright day. This might help explain the fixation some of them have on what they call “art.”

Hearing. Humans have a truly pathetic sense of hearing. It cuts out at quite a low frequency, and they are very poor at locating something by sound. If you’ve ever been stuck somewhere and it took them forever to figure out where your sad little mews were coming from, this is why. And if they have ever subjected you to the grating squeal of a piccolo, oboe or violin, they probably didn’t mean to hurt you. They just can’t hear it as well as you can. If you think this could happen to you, you might want to nudge their browser or catalog page to display cellos and bassoons instead.

Smell. Once again, humans are utterly dismal at this. They think pretty well of their abilities when they start complaining that their teenager hasn’t scooped the litter box yet, but honestly, that’s about all they can smell. This explains some otherwise pretty offensive behavior, such as buying us perfumed litter, or wearing strong perfumes themselves. They honestly can’t tell what that stuff smells like! It’s also another reason why they don’t know where you are if it’s dark. They can’t smell you! And they certainly can’t tell the difference between you and your housemate by smell, although we can easily identify each one of the resident humans by smell.

Touch. Here’s one where humans do have some sensitivity. Although they are notoriously lacking in the whiskers department (no, beards on human males are not the same thing), their skin is actually quite sensitive. A considerate cat will therefore always keep her claws in when touching human skin.

Taste. Taste is where humans rule. They can taste a wide range of flavors, which explains their interest in such a wide variety of foods. There’s a flavor that they call “sweet,” which acts on them almost like catnip does on us. They will do a lot to get more of that taste. Sweet interacts with various aromatic compounds to make fruits, and even some vegetables, very attractive to them. If you’ve ever enjoyed the smell of a ripe strawberry, it’s like that for them too, but much more so because of this factor called “sweet.” For all that, they also appreciate a good portion of meat, as we do. In general, it pays to be somewhat tolerant of your human's interest in taste, given that they are so lacking in other senses.

Taking your human for what he is—a human, having only a human's outfit of senses, and not a cat—will make cohabitation easier and help to dispel the myth of ubiquitous psychopathy in humans. You may even begin to notice the times when they make a special effort to be considerate of you.

Look at all those sensory organs!