How to wake a human

Humans are strangely fixated on sleep. Once they really get into it they insist on keeping at it for a long, long time—hours even! They are simply not as flexible as cats are when it comes to sleeping, and some of them are actually unable to take just a short nap, poor things. If your human’s sleep behavior is troubling you, it is important to keep in mind that your human is not trying to annoy you—it is simply their nature. Sometimes, however, you will need to be firm, particularly around breakfast time. If this is the case for you, there are various forms of behavior modification that can help. I list here a few I’ve found to be effective.

   1.      Find something on the bedroom floor, preferably something made of soft plastic, like a shopping bag. In a pinch, though, almost anything will do: a magazine, a shirt, a leaf. Paw at it. If it is a plastic bag it will rustle delightfully. You can have a good time playing with the bag until your human gets out of bed and takes it away from you. A magazine or a leaf is quieter and may take a little longer, but each of these has been known to deliver results. A shirt or a sweater will get an instant reaction if you can get your human to at least open one eye and if your pawing action at all resembles the moves you make digging in your litter. This version of the method is highly effective but does little to build longterm interspecies trust. It should be used only rarely.

2.      For the more meditative cat a suggested approach is to position yourself out of arm’s reach and concentrate on the message of hunger your stomach is sending you. Truly dwell on your need and the misery that you are suffering from having it go unmet. Open your mouth and give voice to the depths of your feeling. You may well find you want to pace around the room as you do so, the better to convey the pathos of your condition. Just stay out of reach.

3.      Here’s one you can do lying down. Get under the bed, roll over onto your back, and look up. See that lovely box spring? You can sharpen your claws and wake your human in one go. You’ll both end up feeling alert.

4.      This one is my favorite, but it may get slower results if your goal is breakfast. If your goal includes an early morning exchange of affection, it is the best one in the list, paws-down. Jump up on the bed and approach your human, purring loudly. Locate one of your human’s hands under the covers. Paw gently at the blanket covering the hand until it emerges from under the blanket and begins to stroke you or scratch behind your ears. Reward your human with a louder purr and give the hand several affectionate cheek rubs. If this friendly overture does not eventually result in further motion on the part of your human, you can try sitting on their face.